Internets dating not working for me.

[drawingfool]

Here is my match.com profile.

Here is my OkCupid profile which is basically the same as my match.com with some revisions.

Recently I've replied to several ads but have gotten 0 responses. I've varied the type of replies I've written so it won't look like I've written a form letter. I haven't written anything questionable, nasty, or tmi. However, lets keep it real. I'm decent looking but I'm overweight. Is that the main reason? Or is it something else I'm not seeing?

[Mermaid]

Your ad is great, actually. Unfortunately, it's harder for men with personal ads. My husband and I were just talking about this, he had an ad that wasn't all that different than yours, but never got anywhere with personal ads.
It is not your weight, that is for sure. I'd have totally answered this ad.

My only comment is that you are getting ahead of yourself when you say what kind of pets she can and can't have. Some people might take that the wrong way.

[jnian]

I doubt its being overweight. I'm not overweight, have also had my profile critiqued by these guys, and been told its "great", and basically do everything right and still had to send out > 100 messages on match to find one person even willing to message me back and have a conversation, we wound up meeting and it was not a good fit.

I'm convinced online dating is just not a good option for men in our age range, unless you don't have other avenues to meet people or are too shy to talk to strangers. After doing it for a few months, I'm convinced the average bar fly is MUCH less shallow than the average match.com member.

Its true you only need 1 reply, but realistically it is still a numbers game and having a bigger social circle and getting to meet new people generally translates to better success. That is MUCH easier to do in other settings, where people are a little less judgmental and a little more human. I recommend you don't devote too much time to it. I suspect your odds of success would be MUCH higher in just about any other setting.

[Lorina]

I think it's a great ad. And because it's great, you're not going to get a ton of responses. But the ones you will get will be women who GET you. Ones that are slightly geeky enough to enjoy superheroes and funny enough to appreciate your sense of humor.

It's not a popularity contest. Getting tons of responses isn't a great thing. I was swamped when I had my ad, but even over the course of 6 months, with probably a thousand responses, there were only 4 guys that were a good enough match to actually meet in person. One of those, I never should have met at all, but I was a noob to online dating and didn't have good filters. One of those was just a one date thing. One of those was a handful of dates fling. And one I've been with for ten years, and married to for eight years.

Don't put too much energy in it, and don't take it personally. It's like fun, lazy Sunday afternoon fishing. Toss out the line and see if anything bites. Your not going to starve to death if you don't catch a keeper.

[aries]

I think it's a good profile, too.

I'm convinced the average bar fly is MUCH less shallow than the average match.com member.

The researcher in me is dying to know how you would construct THAT study!

[Cyndical]

Yes, it is great. If you're looking for a comic-book/super hero loving woman who is also a great cook. And, like Lorina says, it is possible that such a woman is out there but I think that such a person would be very rare.

Frankly, all this super hero talk makes me run a little cold. I imagine sitting with you at your house, looking at all your DVDs and they're all comic book/anime and thinking "Uh, just how old is this guy?" I like the first bit here:

Batman takes Spiderman any day. The cool car is great, but it's mostly because under all the technology, he's just a human being, inventing his own powers for the good of others. I try to be a super hero in any small way I can. Nothing makes me feel better than fixing my neighbor's screen door or helping her with her windows [you may want to change that to "a" neighbour, because that makes me think that you've already got someone who's interested in you, or describe her better. Is she 86 years old?]. While I may appear shy, my beagle is my outgoing sidekick who introduces me to strangers after a stressful day of saving lives. [Really? Are you a doctor or an EMT?]

But you totally make me go "next!" here:
I get my strength from microwavable foods that I eat while watching Lost, but crave the recipe to a heartier meal that only you can supply.

Why? Because I am not your mother. It's not my responsibility to make a grown man all his meals -- even if I'm married to him. If you want a recipe only, there's tons of books out there already, so unless you're willing to make a meal and swap recipes, it doesn't compute. While I'm glad that you've been honest (and frankly, my diet isn't much better as I am not one for the cooking), it conjures up further ideas of me cleaning your house, doing your laundry, doing almost everything because you're either watching Batman or fixing next door's screen door and I'm not down for that. And just as I'm thinking about how unhappy I would be in the middle of all that...

The geek in me watches Battlestar Galactica and flips through the Sunday “Funnies” during the commercial breaks. I take candid shots at Gotham Hall. I’ll send you a postcard that I designed myself. I’ve got the Batmobile loaded with enough gas in the tank for a trip around the world, but looking for the right co-pilot. If you'd like to join me on an adventure, please allow me to get that door for you.

More superhero stuff. And then I read this, which actually has some nice, real stuff. But have you ever really dropped everything and jetted off to Barcelona for the weekend?

ABOUT YOU:
You must love dogs, or at least mine. You're not afraid of your clothes getting dirty when she jumps up to meet you. You can have a cat (but a rabbit or mouse might be too tempting to Marina). You have strong opinions and passionate beliefs, and I'll want to hear them all over a beer at a dive bar. You respect my Pepsi addiction (it's totally fine to drink Coke, just don't try to convert me). You're ready to drop everything to jet over to Barcelona, check out some modern art and toast with red wine on a balcony at sunset. You’re up for spending the week in a cabin and fishing on a river. You like long drives, preferably with Nine Inch Nails or Smashing Pumpkins playing low on the radio. You sing along. You let me pamper you and hold your hand when you’ve had a hard day. You always want to hike to the top of the hill. You know that the view doesn't sparkle half as much as your eyes

Your OK Cupid one is even more flip.

What I’m doing with my life
By day I work for the man at a bank while trying not to let it corrupt me to the dark side of the force. At night I sell crack (jk) and I'm an aspiring pornstar. Oh..I also do freelance graphic design.

Never joke about drugs and porn on the Internet to a woman you've never met before. Seriously, this is supposed to be an introduction where you put your best foot forward. If you met a woman at a networking function, would you tell her you sell crack at night (just kidding) and you're an aspiring porn star? Hell no. If you did, she'd probably think you were crazy, drunk, or on drugs and start making little motions to get away from you saying "Oh look, there's so-and-so, I really must run and say hi." There's enough drug and porn spam out there, let alone enough weird men who think that sending a photo of Mr. Happy will make a woman they've never met weak at the knees for it that just the mention of it is skeevy. It's a dating profile. Most adults know that with dating comes sex at some point.

You Should Message Me:
Also if you're rich. .

Tacky. I know you're trying to be funny and there's that quote that a truly great personal ad would say I want to date myself, only with more money but really, would you go up to a woman in a bar ask and her if she's rich and if so, would she like to go out on a date with you? Makes me think that that's how those weekends in Barcelona would get paid for.

Finally, in most of your photos, you're not smiling. You're holding your dog and you don't appear happy about it. Even the dog isn't excited. The last one you are smiling, but it's so dark.

[Cyndical]

Originally Posted by aries

The researcher in me is dying to know how you would construct THAT study!

No study required! If you're sitting at home at your computer, browsing profiles, you're probably sober and being if not totally judgemental, then you're at nicest being careful who you "pick" because everyone knows there's all kinds of crazies on the Internet. At worst, you don't have to screen your thoughts because the person whose profile you're looking at isn't standing right there next to you, so you can say whatever you want and he'll never know -- be as mean as you want.

People in bars are usually drinking and if you're drinking, you're wearing the Beer Goggles.

[drawingfool]

Originally Posted by Cyndical

Yes, it is great. If you're looking for a comic-book/super hero loving woman who is also a great cook. And, like Lorina says, it is possible that such a woman is out there but I think that such a person would be very rare.

Frankly, all this super hero talk makes me run a little cold. I imagine sitting with you at your house, looking at all your DVDs and they're all comic book/anime and thinking "Uh, just how old is this guy?"

Hmm...interesting take on it.Truth be told, when I first started I was careful not to have any sci-fi, comic references. They seemed boring. Honestly, I'm lousy at writing ads or at least writing about myself. Oh well.Full disclosure...someone else wrote that ad.
As for the pet thing, I prefer a dog person. I mean if you are afraid of or dislike dogs then we are not a match. Cats are ok though I found out recently I was allergic to them.
No I don't want a girl that will be my mother, etc. Yes I eat mostly TV dinners but what single guy doesn't? I guess I can learn to cook but I never had the patience for it.
As for the photos, yes I have to update them. The one where I was smiling slightly was New Years where I was slightly drunk. Sadly the dog in the photos died almost a year ago.
What do you suggest I put in my ad?Just curious...

[Trip]

Not such a great idea letting someone else write your ad because their personality is going to come through, not yours. Why don't you tell us about yourself right here and then we can help tweak for you?

[Cyndical]

I have this theory about being set up: the person setting you up will tell you more about what they think of you by the person they think is perfect for you than they will ever honestly tell you. I'm not sure if the same holds true for someone writing a personal ad for you. If this person is a close friend, they may have more insight into your personality or your most obvious likes and dislikes than someone you would hire to do the same job (and there are services out there that do that).

Your personal ad should reflect who you are and what you want. If you are allergic to cats, then you're allergic to cats -- that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you allergic to cats. And, it will also weed out the cat-obsessed. There's a difference between saying "No cats" and "I'd prefer it if you didn't have a cat, as I am allergic to them." If you were allergic to shellfish and a date suggested going to Benny's House of Clams, wouldn't you speak up about it?

I'm not saying the superhero stuff is bad, just that there's too much of it. If you're really into superheroes (and a lot of men are to various degrees), then a few references will get that point across. Filling your profile with it is overkill. IMO (and it is strictly mine), it doesn't say that you are a grown man, but you are an overgrown teen. I can't rely on an overgrown teen to be a full partner to me. I'm sure you wouldn't want a woman who was hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt, couldn't hold a steady job and was generally a flake (yes, even if she were hawt) because she wouldn't be a good partner for you. You're a bit wacky, in spite of your day job, I get that and you need someone who can appreciate that side of you, but you're not that way all the time, right? These ads are introductions and yes, you do have to sell yourself a bit but that doesn't mean you have to lie or be someone you're not.

And yes, jnian has a point. It's far too easy to get on match and treat it like a Land's End catalog, dismissing anyone who doesn't meet all of your checkboxes. If you're young, thin, cute and female, your Inbox will be crushed under the weight of your responses... for the rest of us, not so much. If being overweight bothers you, then do something about it. If you're fine with how you are, then don't. You may have better luck, as suggested, by going out and doing things as a supplement to using services like match. Take a life drawing class or hey! a cooking class to get out there and meet new people. They don't have to be women, or even women your age. Don't treat it as a "if I go here and do this, I'll meet single women" because it'll backfire on you and you'll be disappointed and frustrated. Treat it as a "if I go here and do this, I'll have a good time and meet some new people." After all, new people have friends/daughters/co-workers. If they think you're great, they may know someone who you'd fit with.

[jnian]

Originally Posted by aries

I think it's a good profile, too.


The researcher in me is dying to know how you would construct THAT study!

Not a perfect study and n= 1, but quite simply, most people I meet out and about in the real world who are single and looking are FAR more likely to give me (or anyone, I suspect), a chance. People totally unwilling to even talk to me are rare in the real world, whereas they are the norm in online dating. Once I talk with people, its not unusual for us to want to get to know eachother better, spend time together, etc. I have some baggage I openly acknowledge I bring to the table in that I am not always convinced its in a "dating" way, but I think that is due to my own perceptions rather than objective reality. I think I'm a decent guy and a good catch, I think most people I meet can see that, and while most of the time it still won't go anywhere, I'll get much further than I do in online-dating-world. (Note: "Get much further" is meant in the social, talking, having fun sense, not in the skeevy "touch their naughty parts" sense).

I do totally agree with Lorina that it IS about finding the right person, and the goal is not mass appeal. However, I think there needs to be a balance and the reality is that there is no way for you to KNOW if someone is "right" from a brief profile any more than it is possible from a 5 minute chat in a bar. I think this is what people forget about on dating sites. You have to put yourself out there, get to know people, and see what develops. It may be nothing, it may be friendship, it may be love. You can't get more than an inkling of that from a profile, so you have to talk to people. Having standards is good, but not even conversing with people you seem to have a great deal of common with on the surface for some arbitrary reason is....dumb (Note: I realize men are likely just as guilty of this, but due to gender roles it is probably not as obvious). Being social increases the odds of coming across someone with whom things can develop. People seem far more willing to do that in their real lives than in online dating, where I get the impression people are "shopping" rather than living.

I'm not trying to be a downer on online dating. It can work (obviously, many people here and many couples I know in RL met that way). However, at least in my experience, there are MUCH easier ways to broaden your social circle and meet new and interesting people who actually WILL have a conversation with you, spend time with you, get to know you as a person, etc. There's nothing wrong with exercising all available options, but I'd just encourage you not to rely on it as a primary way to get dates.

[aries]

Originally Posted by jnian

Not a perfect study and n= 1,

Fair enough.

Having standards is good, but not even conversing with people you seem to have a great deal of common with on the surface for some arbitrary reason is....dumb (Note: I realize men are likely just as guilty of this, but due to gender roles it is probably not as obvious).

Actually, it's pretty obvious to women, too.

Being social increases the odds of coming across someone with whom things can develop. People seem far more willing to do that in their real lives than in online dating, where I get the impression people are "shopping" rather than living.

I don't disagree however, at certain points in people's lives, "being social" and "living" doesn't necessarily expand one's social contacts. It means you're busy with the same people, who may be perfectly wonderful, but not an ongoing source of potential partners.

However, at least in my experience, there are MUCH easier ways to broaden your social circle and meet new and interesting people who actually WILL have a conversation with you, spend time with you, get to know you as a person, etc. There's nothing wrong with exercising all available options, but I'd just encourage you not to rely on it as a primary way to get dates.

Again, I don't disagree but I do think age, job/student status, family obligations, geographic location, etc. influence how helpful online sites might be.

[jnian]

Originally Posted by aries

Fair enough.


Actually, it's pretty obvious to women, too.


I don't disagree however, at certain points in people's lives, "being social" and "living" doesn't necessarily expand one's social contacts. It means you're busy with the same people, who may be perfectly wonderful, but not an ongoing source of potential partners.


Again, I don't disagree but I do think age, job/student status, family obligations, geographic location, etc. influence how helpful online sites might be.

At least in my age bracket & area, the women I know have had very different views of online dating. They generally find lots of people willing to at least talk with them and give them a chance (and not all are crass "U WANT SEX?" messages). Again, most fizzle out or don't go anywhere after meeting, but at least they always have men willing to talk to them and give them a chance. And to head off this question, that holds true across a range of physical attractiveness

I don't disagree that there are moderators of its utility (btw, yay for science nerd-dom ). Certainly, some people are in situations that make it difficult/impossible to get out (i.e. medical residents working 90 hours a week, have kids and can't afford a sitter, etc.). However, even in those situations I think other ways of meeting people would generally be more efficient and effective, the circumstances may just prevent them from being options. Though again, I really can only testify for my age bracket in my area, so I don't mean to overstate my case.

I don't agree that there is ever a point where "being social" can't lead to new social contacts unless "going out" just means hanging out at someone elses home. I imagine a smaller percentage of people are single as you get older, so that makes things more difficult. However most of my "social circle" is also in relationships and not a source of potential partners. It is pretty rare for me to go out with my friends and not end up talking to someone else. Concerts, festivals, classes, museums, bars, sporting events, coffee shops, etc. Even if they aren't single, they may have single friends I'm doing it to be friendly and have fun, not because I'm on a quest to find a partner. I'm admittedly more extraverted than some, and I think part of that comes from the fact that my career is one where I have to be able to sit down with anyone from a CEO of a major corporation, to a homeless heroin addict and make them feel comfortable talking to me. I think its a good skill for anyone to have though, even if it doesn't come naturally. It didn't for me, but practice makes perfect

[browolf]

Originally Posted by drawingfool

Here is my match.com profile.

Here is my OkCupid profile which is basically the same as my match.com with some revisions.

Recently I've replied to several ads but have gotten 0 responses. I've varied the type of replies I've written so it won't look like I've written a form letter. I haven't written anything questionable, nasty, or tmi. However, lets keep it real. I'm decent looking but I'm overweight. Is that the main reason? Or is it something else I'm not seeing?

You ought to do alright on okcupid given that you're some kinda quirky nerdy guy but I think your profile is too far out on quirky and not enough on reality (where you're going in life type things etc). Also its contradictory in places. like there's a lot of attitude in it but near the top you say "I may appear shy at first;"


In the scheme of these things online like attracts like. That you can't get any response is a good sign no-one can identify with things you say.

Social networking is the new dating arena, because social circles tend to revolve around similar interests. You're more likely have common interests with friends of your friends than random people on a dating site. Social networking also presents a more rounded and realistic view of people including yourself. Within comment type communication you can drip feed your personality on to people and you can measure their interest by how far they go "out of their way" to comment on yours.

most communication within social networking is more akin to real life. you can comment on statuses photos etc minimally without giving too much away as in a real life conversation. dating site communication ends up being all-out attempt to initiate a conversation and the inevitable judgment of you based on your how you've described yourself. You could be the best guy in the world but do a bad job of describing yourself and you're screwed.

Finally the value of social proof in social networking is HUGE.
Whereas you have zero on a dating site.

social proof is phenomena whereby people who don't know you directly will infer things about you from intermediary individuals ie mutual friends. This influence works even if you don't technically know the mutual friends either!
4 or 5 mutual friends pretty much guarantees friend request acceptance. Less and you may have to write something in the request box to get past "who are you, why are you adding me" type thoughts.

[drawingfool]

And now for something a bit different...

About Me

I'm a pretty typical guy, I guess - relaxed, fun-loving and always up for a laugh.The world is a really magical
and mysterious place and I love being free to explore it!As for my take on life, I like to be spontaneous and
have quite a relaxed attitude to things.
I absolutely love animals so it would help if you could be persuaded that a furry friend or two is a good
idea!Other interests... I love getting creative and making things myself, a finished piece can really bring a
smile to my face.Hitting the road for a bit of an adventure is high on my list too. I like getting my pulse racing.
For me being romantic is all about breakfast in bed. Although it might be cold by the time we're ready to eat
it...I can take a bit of time to come out of my shell so I like the idea of meeting up for a low-key coffee and a
chat rather than something super full-on.I've got a lot of love to give. The physical side of things is definitely
important to me. I really need to feel sparks fly!If love was a place it would be a cosy bedroom, a peaceful
cocoon where I can retreat from the world.I value laughs and cuddles, an open mind and a flair for cooking!
Blowing my own trumpet - something I think I'm naturally good at would have to be arts and crafts. I don't
mind getting my hands a bit messy when it means getting creative.As for my long term vision - well, it's hard
to say for sure - but I love the idea of living somewhere beautiful and isolated. And preferably in a gorgeously
hot climate.

Favorite Things

If I had the luxury of an extra hour in the day, I'd chill, and maybe even catch up on some sleep!My favorite
genre of movie is probably action. I love my movies fast paced, slick and full of double crossing! Happiness to
me is a delicious beer after a day in the office - the perfect way to unwind.

Hotspots

I definitely love to party, and when I go on vacation it only gets more extreme... Well, there's no work the next
day - let's get it started!

Weekend

My ideal Saturday night would have to include meeting up with friends for some low-key fun, having a few
flash cocktails and letting my hair down on the dance floor.My perfect Sunday afternoon would be all about
reading the paper, taking the dog for a walk and sneaking a few extra zzzs.

Here's a profile that I got from this site profilewiz.com. Ok but a little generic. Would this profile be better?